A few thoughts on online dating

It’s certainly not easy meeting (hot) Christian men these days so what’s a girl to do?

My career has always been in sales, so I would say I am a friendly person and able to chat with a stranger fairly well.  It’s the meeting part that is difficult for me.  My job, church, kid stuff, and community are all too familiar.  I just don’t go to new places or come into contact with (hot) Christian men too often. 

The goal in meeting a man online is that he really is the person that he is portraying himself to be – especially the single and Christian parts.  

So let’s say the most gorgeous man in the whole wide world sends you an online wink and you melt.  You just KNOW that you are going to meet, get married, and make beautiful children together.  STOP!  Don’t get too excited here.  Girls, we need to be very, very careful meeting men online.  Here are a few basic rules that I follow:

·         Do not give your identity too soon.  Get his first, then Google him and look for anything suspicious, the record of his divorce, and deed transfer on his house.  It’s fun to be a detective! 

·         Have an email address that does not disclose your identity and use it until you feel comfortable.

·         Meet Mr. Perfect in a public place.  DO NOT let him come to your house!

·         Be sure to tell someone else your whereabouts in the event that something really bad goes down. 

I think lunch on a work day is a great first date because you can make the excuse that you need to get back to work, especially if he’s a weirdo. Also, if he has any couth, he won’t be trying to kiss you in the China Garden's parking lot either.  You shouldn’t be kissing on the first date anyways… or second, but we can cover that topic on another day.

And how about the 45 year old who says he is looking for a woman between 25 and 50?  I bet he is!  He has no clue what he is looking for but will take anything.  Archive that match real quick! 

 

So here’s the biggest hugest deal of why I hate online dating:  Excessive email chatting is just not healthy.  When you are typing away, he can be anything you want him to be because he’s the most gorgeous man in the whole wide world and your babies are going to be beautiful.  It’s easy to hide behind the computer screen and sweet talk with Casanova, but meeting in person sooner rather than later will determine if there is any real attraction.  Of course he will be attracted to you because you are so darn cute, but what if he smells weird and you just can’t take it or he’s only five feet tall?  You need to know these things before you get too far along.   

My final point - and then I promise I will get off my soap box for now.  This one is BIG.  NO NO NO multi-man chatting!  I don’t care if you took advantage of the half price man-sale on eHarmony and are trying to get your money’s worth.  If you are hitting it off with Mr. Has Potential that winked at you, then give him your undivided attention.  Then, make it clear that this is how you roll and expect him to roll that way too.  It’s just not respectable to be behaving online any differently than in person.   Would you have one dropping you off at the back door while another is waiting to pick you up at the front door?  I hope not, so treat online the same way.  How would you feel if he was chatting up numerous ladies at the same time including you?  YUCK!!  It’s a very slippery slope that could lead to trust issues later on.  Just don’t do it.  If he doesn’t agree, he’s not ready for a committed relationship.   

There.  I’m done now. 

Facing Goliath... on our own

One very, very difficult part about being single is that we have no strong arms to fall into when we are scared.  The physical strength that comes from a man is very comforting, but being single, we have no other choice than to face Goliath all by ourselves.  We don’t have a protective warrior to rise up and defend us.  Or hold us.  Or tell us that everything is going to be alright.  These are the times more than ever that we need to depend on God, and let Him be our strength.  I love how David sang to the Lord in Psalm 18:

“I love you Lord.  You are my strength.  The Lord is my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.  He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.”  ~ Psalm 18:1-2

I could really use a hug right now.  I could really stand to feel comforted and protected from a Goliath that I had to face today, but I fought the Goliath on my own and I am a little bit tougher tonight than I was when I woke up this morning because of it.  I went into battle with a Goliath - with God as my shield and power – and He saved me.  And I feel safe.

BIG BIG HUG!

"A wise son brings joy to his father." - Proverbs 15:20 (... and his momma!)

I went to see the movie Courageous last Friday night.  It was a very powerful film, and truly gave me hope for a Christ-centered man when/if that is God’s will for me.  The movie was basically about men being men and leading their families as better husbands, fathers, and brothers in Christ in a God-honoring way.  That’s the man I will wait my entire lifetime for.   

As single women, we are strong out of necessity.  We manage our careers, our homes, and our children very well, but truly that is not how we were created.  God created Eve to be Adam’s helpmate.  It still feels unnatural to me to be the woman AND the man of my household.  I can do it; I just don’t always want to.  It just doesn’t feel right.

I sometimes wonder if my son, Kyle, will know how to lead his family (husband/wife/children) when he doesn’t see one in operation on a daily basis.  My ex-husband goes to the same church as I, but I really don’t know what he is teaching Kyle at home about leading a God-honoring family.  I want Kyle to know how to love, comfort, and support his wife and children and to be a God-honoring example for them. 

Last night I got a little glimpse of the young man that Kyle is becoming.  Of everything I’ve done wrong in my life, I know one thing I am doing right - Kyle.  I am not saying perfect, but right.  Upon my return from a short business trip, Kyle left this note for me on the kitchen counter:

 

Kyle loves outside of himself and he’s only 11 years old.  If the way he loves and respects me at this early age is any indication of how he will be with his wife someday, I know he will be a great husband and leader in his home with his family.  He brings me joy every single day, and I pray for his wisdom as he grows to always honor God with his life and to be that man that God calls men to be.  Courageous!     

The secret to having it all... is knowing that you already do!

Something that I do personally, as well as with my kids, is to write down three things in a journal every day that I am grateful for.  I call it my “Gratitude Journal.”  My kids and I recently looked back at our family journal and were so sweetly reminded of some special times: like when Jami wrote that she lost her first tooth, and that Kyle was grateful for Duke (our cat), and that I was thankful for a new kitchen gadget (go figure!).  In my personal journal, I’ve noticed that I have noted (more and more often) feelings of peace as the years increase since my divorce, and comfort with small things like coffee with a girlfriend or making homemade noodles for the first time.  We sometimes get so hung-up on the things we don’t have (like a man in our life, or endless bank balance, or help around the house) but truly forget to be grateful for what we already have. Special moments. Things we love. What makes us tick.  I pray, dear Sisters, that you always have food in your bellies and a safe roof over your heads.  Above that, I pray that you see God’s blessings all around you and feel His love.  Look at the sunset, check out the stars some night, light a candle in quietness and be still for just a moment and take some time to tell God what you are grateful for.

I encourage each of you to list three things every day that you are thankful for.  What are you most thankful for today?  Please share with me!     

NEVER shave your legs before a date

And be sure to wear your granny panties. White cotton works best.  I hope this isn’t the first time you have heard this advice.  My hope is that it merely serves as a reminder to have a mental game plan in the event that things get a little steamy and your date finds you irresistible – if you know what I mean.  Have a few sex-defense weapons in your arsenal.  Think of granny panties as a Kevlar vest and leg stubble like your personal 38 Special just in case Mr. Hunky Manfriend gets a little too close and he smells too good.  When you go on a date looking all cute and irresistible (which I am sure you will), and he gets a little close... and you start to think about how looooong it has been since…and everything is feeling very alive again… You will think of me. And your hairy legs all itchy. And your panties cutting into your bellybutton and riding half-way up your back.  And you will be a better person for it.  I promise.  I can’t find this doctrine  in the Bible anywhere, but I am sure if you asked any of the authors of the Good Book they would certainly concur that this should have been somewhere in Proverbs. 

What’s in your arsenal?      

You mean a man might see me naked again? With the lights ON?

This scares the lights out of me! Literally!  (Did I tell you that I love exclamation points?)  Let me bring you up to speed here: I am 43 years old, have had two kids after the age of 30 (when the skin wasn’t quite as elastic), nursed them both (you can only imagine), then proceeded to neglect working out like a gymnast over the last decade.  Let’s just say my body is NOT that of an 18 year old and my wrinkles and stretch marks are quite, shall I say, un-artful. (I like to make up my own words sometimes.)  I don’t even like to see myself naked for goodness’ sake!  Even the thought of a man seeing me in a bathing suit brings a sharp pain to my left eyeball. 

I believe in sexual purity outside of marriage.  Obviously, I am not a virgin, but I am one of those “re-virgins” since I am have recommitted myself to purity.  I am a bit lot fearful of a man seeing my imperfect body when and if I ever get married again. I just cannot see where it could possibly be desirable.  Will a man ever find me desirable when there are so many younger, sexier, leaner, tighter-bodied women out there?  What do men really see when they look at us?  Am I the only single woman (with a pudgy belly) that worries about this?    

So, what do we do?  We need to be confidant with the bodies that we have, which is much easier said than done!  Let’s see what the Bible tells us:

^“Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.” (Psalm 139:14)

Can you really say this to God like David did?  I mean honestly?  Are you tempted to add your own ending to the verse like, “… except for my pudgy belly.”  Well, let me tell you, the enemy loves to take us down that ugly path of insecurity.  The enemy finds those cracks in our confidence and wiggles his way in to destroy. 

I went through a stage (a few in fact) when I let myself go.  I quit trying to look better because I knew I would never measure-up to the women in the magazines.  Now, I try to look good for my age and all the carnage that pregnancy and breastfeeding left behind, but I know I will never look like Jillian Michaels.  I have cellulite that I just cannot hide.  I have wrinkles and stretch marks that are just not going anywhere.  And I have a pudgy belly.  So, I still wear my bathing suit cover-up until the last possible minute then take it off and quickly jump into the pool, I still believe that cellulite looks better sun tanned, but at the same time I will continue to keep working on my body confidence and try to look the best that I can with what God gave me. I will also continue to pray to God that I end up with a blind very understanding husband.  A Christian man who follows the Lord will look at our hearts, not our boobies.  Deep down, I know this.  But still…   

How about the men rockin’ the beer gut strutting around the pool in their Speedos swim trunks?  I'll bet it wouldn’t bother them to be seen naked with the lights on.  You think?    

Now.  Who is going bathing suit shopping with me?  Anybody?  Anybody? Bueller?

    

Dating rules: Make them or break them?

This is a dilemma of mine.  In a perfect world, Mr. Perfect will not only be tall, dark, and handsome, but he will: be strong in his Faith, have kids my age or older, have a solid work history, have the ability to perform home repairs (or the financial ability to pay for a professional), work out in lieu of taking blood pressure and high cholesterol medication, smell good, be divorced/live alone for 2+ years, wait 3 months to meet each other’s kids, have access to a pick-up truck, live within 20 miles, enjoy outdoor activities, be taller and weight more than me, appreciate drinking wine on the patio…..  You get my drift?  What if he doesn’t know how to operate a screwdriver or has a toddler or is between jobs or has only been divorced for 1-month?  Should we rule him out based on our own set of rules?  Do you think that we as women get too hung-up on some perfect man, then complain that there are no good ones out there?  I mean, we know our lifestyles, we know what we can/cannot tolerate – or do we?  Let’s ponder this for a moment.

It all comes down to this for me - he must be a Christian and he must be good looking.  Of course, good looking comes from the inside out, so there are no set rules here.  I don’t have a particular “look” that I am attracted to - except the “look” of a man who loves Jesus.  Loving Jesus makes a man very, very attractive to me.  Do you know that song “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real?  That’s the man I want when it all comes down to it.  By Christian, I mean a fully devoted follower of Christ including: assuming his duties as head of the household  (1 Cor. 11:3), loving me ( Ephesians 5:33), and setting an example in what he says, how he lives, and in love, faith and purity (1 Timothy 4:12).    

Let’s be careful at the same time to NOT over-Spiritualize this.  If he is too far from your gut level of  a possibility, and the relationship has a few red-flags, God is not going to bring it all together magically just because you are Christians.  Seek wise Christian counsel (friends, pastors, etc.), give the relationship time to develop, watch how he treats his mother/children, read Christian relationship books (“Boy Meets Girl” by Joshua Harris is my favorite), get a clear understanding of where he sees his role as the man in your relationship, understand his willingness to compromise, stay pure, and listen to God.  And make sure he smells right!     

Have you ever looked outside of your box?  What attracts you to a man?  What are some of your rules?