Fixer Upper

The beginning of 2006 was rough and it was looking like my marriage was not going to make it.  At that time, I was a Loan Office at a bank so was “in the know” on bargain homes in the area and found a fixer upper that I could easily afford to buy for me and my kiddos.  The house was in foreclosure, so I contacted the local Chief of Police to accompany me while I broke into the unoccupied house.  Luckily, the house was unlocked so no B&E went down. (In small towns we do this sort of stuff.)

From the outside, the house looked OK, but as we stepped inside – it was another story.  The house was completely gutted down to the studs and there were pieces of plywood laying on the floor joists that we walked on.  There was no indication of which room was supposed to be the kitchen – that’s how bad it was.

I imagined the possibilities (because I watch HGTV, of course), but in my heart knew that this house was not for me.  The house needed repairs far beyond my capabilities.

For the next several months my wasband and I worked on our marriage, but sadly by summer our marriage was over.  My friend was a Realtor and told me about this cute little house that just went up for sale that would be perfect for me to buy which turned out to be that same house! She explained that the house underwent a complete renovation on the inside over the past several months.  When I stepped inside, I immediately knew that that was the house for us!  I took about five steps to a makeshift desk and signed the purchase agreement right then and there.  I didn’t even walk through the house first. I just knew!

Isn’t this how we are as people too?

Sometimes we look OK on the outside, but our inside needs some work that we are not capable of fixing ourselves.  We try to fix our worn-down and broken selves with our tiny human power – but it still needs repair.

This is way more than a fixer upper kind of repair – this is a job for Jesus if you ask me!

In my nine years of being single, I have let people into my life when I should not have - because I was a mess on the inside and needed some healing.  As a result I hurt them, and I’m not very proud of that.  And likewise, I’ve been in men’s lives when they had some stuff going on inside of them that needed some healing – and I’ve been hurt as a result.  We look OK on the outside, but are not in the best shape on the inside.  We will never be perfect because we are humans, but there are better and worse times to be in relationships. 

I’m a fixer upper.  Me.  Jen.  I might look OK on the outside, but I need a little extra work on my inside right now that only Jesus can fix.  I need to get my house in order.  I need to stay focused on God and HIS will for me – not MY will – HIS will.  I need to slow down and focus on God’s sovereignty.  I cannot ramrod my life into what I want it to be when I want it to happen.

So just like my house story - the first time inside was not the best experience, but after some repair – the second time was SOLD ON THE SPOT – maybe that’s where love will find me!?!  I'm totally up for that! It's all about allowing God to repair the broken parts and patiently waiting for Him to do his work and the right (good-looking Christian) man will enter (or like my house, RE-enter) my life. Second chances are possible!  That's my prayer.

(I don’t even know if all of that made sense, but it did to me!  Feedback is much appreciated.)   

Be in the Moment

A few days ago, my brother's friend posted this on Facebook and I cannot get it off of my brain:

“Sometimes you have to take life as it comes… there is not always a perfect time for things… don’t let an opportunity pass you by… it may only come once in a lifetime!”

For whatever reason, that simple post really made an impression on me.

We say that we want simple lives, and then we go and make them so complicated by over-thinking, over-doing, and over-scheduling.  We spend so much time doing things that really don’t matter – then we lose the moment – and we can never get those moments back.

This past weekend I was busy in the kitchen doing something (that really didn’t matter) while my beautiful 13-year old daughter sat on a stool in the kitchen eating a popsicle and telling me all about her new guinea pig (Charles) that her dad bought for her 4-H project. Along with her new guinea pig, she also got braces last week so she was even more adorable as she sat just chatting away and eating her popsicle... while she stared at the back of my head. Gulp.  Why oh why didn’t I stop whatever I was doing (that really didn’t matter) and grab my own popsicle and pull up a stool beside her and listen to her tell me all about Charles?? 

Oh… to have that moment back. 

It’s not just THAT moment.  I have LOTS of those moments and they all add up to opportunities quickly passing me by that will only come once in a lifetime.  Nothing that I was doing was as important at that time listening to my daughter. Nothing.    

I had to pick my kids up at their dad’s house this morning to take them to school and I was thinking about this during my drive over there.  By the time I got to my wasband’s house, I was crying.  I mean REALLY crying!  My 15-year old son met me at the door and immediately got the “deer in headlights” look when he saw me crying.  You know that look that men make when they see a woman crying and they don’t know what to do?  He is only 15 but has already mastered that look.  He was frozen.  Speechless.  Men just don’t do well with crying women.  I could just see his mind working and wondering why I was crying and wondering when I was going to stop.  My daughter then came around the corner into the kitchen and saw me crying and immediately hugged me and said, “Mom, I don’t know why you’re crying but I love you!”

I explained to her that I was sorry that while she was eating her popsicle and telling me about Charles that I didn’t stop and look at her and that I am going to try really hard to be better at that.  Then I added that she’s going to be in high school next year and that her time with me is winding down.  Her response (with her cute little slivery smile) was so amazing:

“Mom.  I still have four days left of 8^th grade.  Please don’t rush it!”

Once again, I was reminded to take life as it comes!

Friends, if you see me zipping through the grocery store, or rushing past you at church, or playing on my phone at one of my kids' sporting events – PLEASE – remind me to slow down and to be in the moment!  Don’t over-think, don’t over-do, don’t over-schedule.  Just be in the moment.  Please remind me to slow down and chat a bit or take in my kids’ activities.  Please remind me to take life as it comes and to be in the moment.  

These moments only come once in a lifetime! 

A New Season (Part 1 - because seasons change)

These past seven months have been BIG for me.

Seven short months ago I dropped my kids off at school for their first day of 8^th and 9^th grade.  That morning, and those uncontrollable tears, was a turning point for me.  I realized at that moment that things were about to change - an old season was ending and new season was approaching.      

“For everything there is a season, and at time for every activity under heaven.” 

~ Ecclesiastes 3:1

The circle of life is very peculiar and beautiful at the same time.

I spent my 20s single and carefree and (mostly) living in the San Francisco Bay Area.  I never imagined that I would ever get married or be a mom, but I was content with that.  As life goes, I fell in love with a man from home  - so moved back to Ohio at age 29, got married at age 30, had my first child at age 31, and had my second child at age 32. My role of a wife ended in 2006 which made my role as a mom intensify because, as single moms will often tell you, that’s all I had to focus on.  After my divorce, and incarcerating myself in our home for way too long, I realized that my life needed balance and that I needed things in my life outside of my children, so I went back to graduate school, developed new friendships as a “single again” woman, dated (ugh!), and developed new interests (running, riding my bike, tinkering around the house, discovering new places, etc.).  I learned to do “me things” as time and money would allow – not a lot, but enough to find balance outside of my children.  Life has been very good and I have managed this ebb and flow of kids/no kids with our shared parenting schedule over the last nine years very well. 

Then seven months ago on the first day of school - it hit me.  I never expected it. I never saw this coming.

I am finishing an old season and will start a new season.

(Here come the tears again.)

This is very hard for me.

My son will be leaving in about 3 years and my daughter in about 4 years.

I’m going to be alone again like I was in California. Single and carefree. 

What in the world am I going to do? It’s exciting and scary all at the same time – and sad in many ways because I’m alone.

Single moms – how do we do this?  We have no shoulder to cry on.  The house will be too quiet.

Some days I’m excited about my new season, and some days I cannot stop crying about it.

I have this really cool virtual career where all I need is my phone and internet service to work, so I can live anywhere and keep this job.  I can sell my house and move anywhere I want to live. I can do anything I want to do - whenever I want to do it.

I tell my kids that I’m going to keep working, but sell the house and buy a RV and live in their driveways.  I’ll be the hippie mom who rolls out of the RV every so often squinting in the daylight, then I’ll go in their houses and eat all of their food and go back in my RV.  (If they have wine, I’ll drink that too!)  

It’s OK. The Bible tells me so…

“And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor,
for these are gifts from God.” ~ Ecclesiastes 3:13

My new season is coming sooner than I expected.  Ready or not – here it comes!

I am sure that God has something very cool planned for my new season and I know with all of my heart that it will be fantastic, but for now – I’m going to enjoy THIS season while it lasts because it’s awesome! One day at a time...

Can we just freeze time?

Confessions from a former fat kid – Part 2 (because I knew there would be more)

Flashback to the 1980s... to set the mood.

This is my book bag from high school.  I loved this book bag and carried it proudly while sporting my Guess jeans and feathered hair (and Swatch watch and blue mascara and everything else that was awesomely 80s).

Now, welcome to 2015.

My son is a high school wrestler and had a tournament last night at my old high school.  I was excited to not only watch him, but to also go and sit in the gymnasium of my alma mater, walk the halls, and reflect on sweet memories of my high school years when I was my son’s age (he is a Freshman).  My high school years truly hold some of my dearest memories; my friends from high school are among my best friends today, and my big brother (one year older than me) is still my hero. Those were some very good years! 

To get in the spirit of the occasion last night, I carried my old book bag and feathered my hair (oh yes I did). I was going to wear my old Guess jeans (I still have them and can still get into them) but decided against it. The zippers on jeans "back then" were a lot longer than they are these days so the waistband nearly touches my boobies which is uncomfortable.  Also, the back pockets on jeans "back then" were not sized nor placed in flattering spots.  What was the deal with those tiny back pockets placed so high anyways? Mercy.

Not to be a buzzkill, but you know one is coming. Right!?!

As I sat on the bleachers last night taking in the old sights and smells, I looked over at the doorway of the girl’s locker room and my tummy suddenly had a wave of nausea recalling my freshman and sophomore years’ gym class.  You see, I was the fat kid so gym class was a horrifying experience. My mom handmade my shorts for gym class because I was chunky and had a hard time finding clothes that fit - even in the “plus section."  (She handmade my jeans too – complete with the fancy stitching on the back pockets to look like Calvin Klein jeans which I could not fit into either.) Changing clothes in front of the other girls in the locker room was devastating for me.  Participating in gym class was even more devastating because I was so uncoordinated and everything jiggled when I moved.  (As a side note – my gym teacher was a dead ringer for Beulah the Ballbreaker from Porky’s.  No joke.)  You get the picture.

I tipped the scales at 200 pounds my sophomore year of high school and I was only about five feet tall - complete with braces and all.

Oh yes I was.

As I sat there last night looking at the door to the girl’s locker room, and that wave of nausea took me back 32-33 years, I suddenly felt a sense of peace because I’m not at that place emotionally anymore. 

These days I will change my clothes in front of other women at the gym and I can buy my shorts off the rack.  I’m certainly not a swimsuit model, but I’m OK.  And I was OK back then too – I just didn't see it.  "OK" is not in the size of clothes you wear – "OK" is in your heart. I did not have a size issue as much as I had a heart issue.  My 14-15 year old self was not capable nor mature enough to understand that, but she  understands it now.  I am not fully recovered emotionally from being the fat kid, but for the most part – I’m OK.  I’m still working on getting in better shape and losing a few extra pounds, but I think it will be a lifelong journey and I’m not sure if anybody every fully “gets there.”  I still wish my belly were flatter and my rear-end were tighter, but for the most part – I’m OK.    

     

"Remember how far you’ve come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be."

— Rick Warren

Fast forward 2015.

I’m about fifty pounds lighter, five inches taller, and a billion times more at peace with myself.

I’m not where I want to be, but I am a LOT further than I used to be.

Growing up is TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

“I AM the one who knocks.” – Walter White

This winter, the Midwest has been very snowy and brutally cold especially the past few weeks.  To occupy myself while I am holed-up until spring, I am barreling through five seasons of Breaking Bad on Netflix. Truth be told, prior to four weeks ago I had never even heard of the show.  

Wikipedia describes the show like this:

It tells the story of Walter White (Bryan Cranston), a struggling high school chemistry teacher diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer, who, together with his former student Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul), turns to a life of crime, producing and selling crystallized methamphetamine to secure his family's financial future before he dies.

I watch a show about drugs and crime and lots of bad stuff.

In one scene of Breaking Bad, Walter’s wife is worried that dangerous people will come knocking at their door looking for Walter since he is entangled in the dangerous drug world.  By this point in the show, Walter is a very valuable person in the drug business because he is a master chemist and is making top-notch meth which is in high demand.  He is respected in the drug world and therefore very powerful.  His reply to his worried wife was this:

“I AM the one who knocks.” (meaning that HE is the one in control)

So how can this remind me of the Bible?

Now friends, you know I love me some Jesus which seems very contrary to this show.  I hope the good Lord sees my heart and doesn’t condemn me for connecting Breaking Bad with the Bible, but as we all know - God is everywhere - so is with me when I am engrossed in Breaking Bad. God knows that I watch it anyways.        

Well here goes.

In Matthew chapter 7 as Jesus was teaching a crowd, he said this:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;

knock and the door will be opened to you.”  Matthew 7:7

Do you ask? Do you seek? Do you knock? 

Are you persistent in pursuing God even when you don’t feel that He hears you?  

How many times? Do you give up after a few prayers?

You see, he isn’t going to chase you down.  YOU need to pursue HIM.

YOU need to do the asking, seeking, and knocking!

I challenge you to be the one who knocks and pursue God with all of your heart!

I AM the one who knocks. (Me. Jen.)

Are you?

Here's the clip! :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZ8OPlEQb3I

Pursue JOY!

Pursue JOY. Chase JOY. Run after JOY, Choose JOY.

Verb to your mother. (Do you see what I just did there?)

It’s an action. Something you have to DO!

Webster defines joy this way:

A feeling of great happiness, a source or cause of happiness, something or someone that gives joy to someone, success in doing, finding, or getting something.

Being joyful is a choice. No matter what your circumstances are – there is always something to be joyful about!

Divorce. Death, Disappointment. Focus on joy. 

Oh, yes you can!

How? Well, thanks for asking!

Be grateful.  You have so much to be thankful for! Record those things that bring you joy and reflect on them.  If they were that good, go back and do them again!

Pray. Pray that the Holy Spirit indwells you with JOY! Pray away the negative stuff and bad attitude crap.

Smile. Turn that frown upside down!

Quit worrying. Just stop it!

Eat good, exercise, and get enough sleep. I think we have all heard that before but it’s true!

Do things (short of sin) that make you happy.

Pay attention to the minutia in the mundane. (Savor your coffee and look your kids in the eyes when they are sharing their day with you.) It’s the little things!

You have to consciously choose to pursue joy.  It won’t come chasing you. Pursue.  Just like relationships – you need to pursue… chase… want… desire…  go after joy! Don’t sit around and wait for your happy to walk in the door – go after it!

Joyful people are not always rich people, or skinny people, or CEOs of companies. They are just ordinary people with extraordinary attitudes.  

I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart to stay!  (That’s the little Baptist girl coming out in me right there!)

How do you pursue JOY?  Please share with me!

Heaven is not for everyone

When someone dies, we often hear things like this:

“She is in a better place.” OR “He is out of pain.” OR “We will see her again someday.”

Folks, I hate to break this to you, but those words often are meaningless.  The very words meant to comfort are often of no value whatsoever.  I hope they are true for your loved one, but they may not be.   

I remember when my father passed away hearing those words by his well-meaning friends.  I was taken aback by the assumption of heaven upon death.  Heaven is not automatic and not everyone goes there. 

The Bible, the Word of God, is very clear about the way to heaven.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

~ Romans 3:23

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life 

through Christ Jesus our Lord. ~ Romans 6:23

If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord

and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God,

and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved. ~ Romans 10:9-10

You must be saved to go to heaven. And yes, I said, “saved.” This is not some weird word that church people use to scare people. It’s in the Bible.  

As we approach Christmas and celebrate the birth of Jesus, remember that Jesus was born, and then died and was raised from the dead for every single one of us!  Believing this makes you right with God and grants you eternal life in heaven.  Eternal life (heaven) is a free gift – by believing in Jesus. Being a good person and doing good deeds is not the ticket to heaven.  Believing in Jesus, the son of God – our SAVIOR - is the way to eternal life!   

My dad and his oldest brother (my uncle) were both diagnosed with terminal cancer within a month of each other in the beginning of 2010.  My uncle passed away on April 18^th that year, then my dad four months later on August 17^th. My uncle was very involved in his church and a devout Catholic, whereas my dad was quite the rascal and did not attend church except on a few occasions. After my uncle’s funeral, my dad, who by then was in a wheelchair and clearly knew his days living with brain cancer were numbered, said to me, “If Ed didn't make it to heaven – I don’t stand a chance.”  That opened up one of the most beautiful conversations I could ever have imagined with my dad!  I had the chance to talk about Jesus with my dad and assure him that his sinful life was not a barrier to heaven, but simply believing in Jesus was the way to eternal life! His 69 years of sin were erased because of what Jesus did on the cross – and dad believed that in his heart!  When I get to heaven, dad will be welcoming me!  Thank you Jesus!

I don’t know what’s in your heart – only God knows our hearts – but I do pray that you let Jesus into your heart this Christmas if you have not already done so.  Regardless of what you have done, and whatever your sins are (we are ALL sinners!) - heaven can be for you!  Jesus is God’s free gift to us and what a reason to celebrate!  Take time to thank God for this gift – Jesus - the gift of eternal life.  

    

Merry Christmas!

I love you all! xo